Pairing: 1x2 (1=2)
Disclaimer: They're not ours.
Warnings: crack, au
Summary: Duo and Heero are agents of a very special task force... and protecting the Universe against the most heinous villains.
Wordcount: ~ 6500
Beta:koryou(you earned yourself a mars bar ^_^)
Heero arrived at the interrogation room a few minutes later. Duo was standing in front of a big one-way mirror and peered with a look of disdain inside the interrogation room. Heero stood close to his partner and also sneaked a look into the room. D’Siil sat at a table inside, and apparently the Trajan got his act together in the meanwhile. His snout didn’t tremble and his skin didn’t show the nervous blue spots anymore.
“I think our friend here came up with a nice cover story and thinks he can get away with his crime,” Duo speculated.
“Une gave orders to get the last bit of information out of him. She doesn’t think that he has the brains for this deal.”
Duo gave a dry laugh. “Of course not. Just look at his record. Only low level smuggling, nothing to write home about until now. And he was usually very dumb while committing the felony. This is a whole different league of crime. It’s way over his head.”
“As I said, Une wants all the details. But our D’Siil isn’t looking very talkative at this very moment.”
A big grin bloomed on Duos face. “So we have to encourage him. I suggest we play the classical ‘Bad Cop – Even Worse Cop’ game.”
“Hn,” Heero agreed. And there wasn’t even a question who would play which role.
Duo grinned again and rubbed his hands. “Ok let’s get started.” He opened the door and went into the interrogation room with exuberant bustling energy. “Hi Silly, did you miss us?”
Heero quietly followed his partner, closed the door and started the surveillance. From now on each and every word spoken in the room would be recorded. He placed himself standing behind Duo, who sat across from D’Siil.
The Trajan’s snout tremor again. “I object to this unlawful abduction. I’m a citizen of the Alliance and demand to be set free right this second! And I want to talk to my lawyer!”
Duo shook his head with disgust. “D’Siil, you are not new to this game. You know how the wind blows. Given that you tried to get away when we hailed your ship, we have every right to arrest you and to confiscate your ship. And we already contacted your lawyer, but it will take a few hours for him to arrive here. I think we should have a nice chat meanwhile to shorten the waiting period.”
Heero had to concentrate very hard to keep his face as emotionless as possible. Duo was one of the foremost interrogation experts. And they both were a well-rehearsed team. Up until now they had broken down every suspect.
“You have no right! I didn’t hear your hail. I’m going to sue you for this!”
“Silly-Baby we checked your com-system. And guess what, it was fully functional. Either you were sitting on your ears or you just didn’t want to hear our call.”
“What are you accusing me of anyway?” ranted the Trajan.
“Genocide!” was Heeros ice cold reply.
“What?” D’Siil almost jumped from his chair.
“Sit down,” advised Duo.
“Whatever gave you the idea of Genocide? I just had a bit of chocolate on board! For my own needs!”
Duo laughed long and loud. “Silly… You know the definition of ‘own needs’ better than we do. For a Trajan that would be a stock for 30 days at 100g each. That means all together 3kg. And how much did we find in your cargo bay?”
“501.75 kg,” interposed Heero.
“Silly, this means unless you planned for a 14 year long non-stop tour through uncharted regions of the Universe, this wasn’t for your own needs. Besides we found your own stash in the cockpit.”
“2.83 kg of ‘Grape & Nuts’”, explained Heero.
Duo grinned again. “See, that sounds more like your personal stash to me. Don’t try to say that all the chocolate is for you. I do give you that you might have wanted some variety after that awful error in taste ‘Grape & Nuts’ but seriously, 501.75kg milk chocolate? With mint flavour? Personally, I like that one a lot, but not enough to warrant 500kg. So stop telling fairy-tales.”
“What criminal worth a dime would smuggle 501.75kg milk chocolate?” Duo replied. “And the one grown on the moon on top. The gains for this cargo wouldn’t even cover your fuel, Silly. You may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I don’t believe that you will go for a losing deal. This amount of milk chocolate only makes sense if you sell to the Laktaranians.”
D’Siil’s snout was trembling, but he didn’t say a word.
“And we know what that means, don’t we?” Duo asked almost cheerfully.
“Genocide!” Heero affirmed coldly.
“Circumstantial evidence,” D’Siil exclaimed. “You can’t definitely prove that I was on the way to Laktaran!”
“Doesn’t matter,” was Duo’s reply. “It’s enough to press charges against you. And it will be enough for you to be sent to Laktaran for the trial. You know what they do with people dealing in milk chocolate, don’t you?”
“It’s not my problem that they buy this poison,” D’Siil babbled.
“No it’s not. There always will be people who set all warnings to nought and who will buy chocolate for the kick, even if it’s not good for them. Common sense usually is the first to go when chocolate is involved. But for the Laktaranians it’s something completely different now, isn’t it?”
“They are not only irrevocably addicted after the first milligram of milk chocolate; it also lets them decay from the inside while still being alive. They are in the worst agony you can think of. And the only thing that lets them forget about the pain is more milk chocolate, which makes sure that they decay even faster,” explained Heero.
“It’s a vicious circle. And people like you earn a hell lot of money due to this. The margins are within 1000%. Or more. The addicted Laktaranians pay every sum to get more of the poison.” The grin had faded away from Duo’s face. The matter with the Laktaranians was one of the darkest chapters in the history of chocolate.
“Almost one third of the Laktaranian population died during the first contact, before we found out what was the reason for it. They still haven’t fully recovered from that. The United Planets are paying enormous amounts of money every year to help that race, but it will be generations before they have recovered. And we let them handle chocolate crimes as they wish.” It was very easy for Heero to speak with a very cold voice.
“That’s right Silly. Do you know WHAT they do there with dealers and smugglers? Laktaran is very heavy on that ‘an eye for an eye’ concept. Ever drunk some acid?”
Suddenly the Trajan got dark blue. And the colour was not becoming him. “You cannot do that!”
“Oh yes we can. We contacted the Laktaranian government. I think the transport ship is already on the way and it will arrive before your lawyer will show up. But no problem, he can follow you to Laktaran to plead your case during the trial,” Duo explained.
“Of course he may be too late. I heard that there is a judge on the Laktaranian ship. They don’t believe in long waiting time for chocolate crime. At least your lawyer will be able to accept the liquid remains of your body,” Heero added.
Even if it didn’t seem possible, D’Siil got even darker freckles. “What do you want?”
“The names of the people behind this.”
“I can’t do that. They will kill me!” D’Siil’s snout waved back and forth.
“Acid!” was Heeros cold comment.
“Listen Silly. We’ve known each other for a long time now. I know that you are not a bad individual. Yes you are smuggling for a living and try to bend the rules, but this is way beyond your normal crimes. Just give us the names and we will put you in a safe shelter.”
“A safe shelter?”
“Oh yes. One of the most secure places in the whole Universe. The penal colony on Epsilon-4 is inaccessible. You will be really safe. For the next 10 to 15 years. Sure, you’ll have to work hard. And prisoners usually don’t have any right to chocolate, but the alternative…”
“Acid!” Heero really liked his text.
“10 to 15 years? Are you insane? I just smuggled a bit of milk chocolate. I know my rights.”
“Ok, we do have two alternatives here,” said Duo.
“No, three!” interjected Heero.
Duo reflected on that for a second, then he nodded. “Yes, my partner is right. There are three alternatives.” Duo started to count down on his fingers. “First, we will ship you to Laktaran – and believe me they will not be after some monetary fine. Secondly we could let you go and tell everyone that you sang like a bird. Not only will the Laktaranians be on your tail but also your partners. Good luck with running away. And the third alternative is that you tell us everything, every name, every little detail you know, and plead guilty. We will protect you. Your partners will be long gone in 10 to 15 years and the Laktaranians will also be off your trail.”
“The time is way too long,” shouted D’Siil. “Give me another deal.”
„You hear my partner. Our hands are tied. But I tell you this D’Siil, I really like you. No really. If you cooperate, we will make sure that you’ll get some chocolate on Epsilon-4. 5g Grape & Nuts per day. How does this sound?”
“10!” replied Duo.
D’Siil’s snout trembled again and the Trajan looked quite agitated. “Deal!” he finally sighed.
A few hours later Heero was on the way to his quarters. D’Siil had sung like a nightingale and right now they were raiding a lot of suspect facilities. It seemed as if this was their biggest hit against organised crime. Une had been very pleased. So pleased, in fact, that she had given Heero and Duo some days off.
Duo had almost vibrated from excitement; therefore Heero had thrown his partner out of their office. He wanted to write the report without any distractions, so that they really could have some quiet days afterwards. After all, they’d earned it. And without Duo’s constant chatter Heero had been able to actually finish the report within two hours. Everything was documented.
After Heero had sent the report to Une he’d made a short detour to their ship, and then he’d proceeded to the quarters. Although they also had bunks on the ship to sleep when their missions lasted a little bit longer, right now Heero longed for a real bed. And something else, too.
When he opened the door to his quarters a happy smile formed on his face. “Duo,” he said.
His partner looked up from the bed he was lying on. He’d let his hair down from the braid and the amazing silky mass entwined his naked body.
“I think I’m still angry that you sent me away,” Duo said.
Heero grinned. Then he rushed to his partner and kissed him deeply. “That way I finished the report faster. We won’t be bothered by anyone or anything during the next days.”
“That’s the only reason I let you live,” Duo replied, stood up and started to peel Heero out of his clothes. “Is really everything finished now?”
Heero nodded. “The first reports of the raids came already in. They were successful.”
“Then Silly was good for something, at least.”
“You were awesome in the interrogation room,” Heero said and kissed along Duo’s neck.
“You were just as good. I really had to restrain myself not to laugh whenever you said ‘acid’. Silly almost fell out of his chair every time.”
“That’s because we are very well matched!”
“Oh yes.” Duo looped his arms around Heero and pressed him close. “What happened to D’Siil’s cargo?”
“Everything properly catalogued and samples sealed for the trial. The rest goes to the supplies.” Heero started to breathe heavily while Duo took off his clothes, kissing and nibbling all the time.
“That means that every one of us will get one bar at most. That is so unfair. I love mint-flavoured chocolate!”
“Duo, you know we aren’t allowed to touch the evidence.” At least not until everything was correctly documented. After that they only needed a small sample for the subsequent trial. Or else they would have needed indefinitely big warehouses. At the beginning of C.H.O.Co.L.A.T.E. they’d toyed with the idea to simply burn the smuggled goods. But Dorothy Catalonia had found a much better solution for that problem. Everything they found and that wasn’t needed for the trials was distributed in equal shares to the C.H.O.Co.L.A.T.E. agents, which was a really big burst of motivation for them.
“Once, only one single time did I accidentally eat one bar of chocolate. Am I never going to hear the end of this?” Duo asked dramatically.
“No,” Heero just answered.
Duo glared at him. “Watch what you say, partner. Or you’re going to be alone in bed during the next days.”
“Have mercy,” Heero begged with a smile.
Duo kissed him. “Why should I?” he asked playfully.
“Because I know exactly how much you love mint-flavoured chocolate.”
“Huh?” Duo asked intelligently.
Heero dropped on the bed with Duo in his arms. “I’ve stashed away something from the cargo for you. You think I could bribe you with two chocolate bars?”
“Hm,” Duo contemplated. Then he grinned. “Two bars of chocolate and you, I think we have a deal.”
“Excellent,” Heero said with a pleased smile. Then he leaned forward and set out to wipe every thought of chocolate off Duo’s mind for the next hours.
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